My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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