I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
