you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
