Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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