just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
