those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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