I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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