rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
