I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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