Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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