so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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