I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
