i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Come see our sink grown plant.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
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I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
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I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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