Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
