i can't believe i had my finger in that
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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