your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list