May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
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I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
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I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.