I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?