saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
