im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
