drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
