he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
