are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
