normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
why do cheetos always look like penises
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
