Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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