im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
