There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
