please come you make the beer taste better
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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