Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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