I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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