Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
