Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
