Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
