69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
