we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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