i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
