I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
