They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
