tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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