When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
