No stitches, just platelets and will power
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
