There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
