Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
