Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
