I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
