i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
