I'm gonna have a badass scar
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Randomize
