Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
There are leaves in my underwear?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
