I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
pop tarts are not kleenex
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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