YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
