yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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