Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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