Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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