How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
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I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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