When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
