U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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