i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
