I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
