it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
